Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
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