oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
