What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
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