i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
