so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
