Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
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I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
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Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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