he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
