Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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