If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Randomize
