Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
