I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
