She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Randomize
