Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
