Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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