Just cropdusted the office
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
