apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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