did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
