She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
