update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
