dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
We left the knife in your bed.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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