The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
