Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
