3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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