Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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