Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
