the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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