That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
