Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
nutella sex= disaster
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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