College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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