I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
