I hate your face
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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