So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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