Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize