The maid of honor just puked.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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