Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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