It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
