woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Randomize
