Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
