Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Sorry about my life...
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