2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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