how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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