i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
