sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
