"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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