it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I look better un-naked...
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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