I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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