blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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