Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Randomize
