you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
