halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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