I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
The cops high fived after they tackled you
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
