I have demons in me.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
