What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.