Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.