last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
