Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Send us your Text From Last Night!
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
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