I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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