Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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