If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
