I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
