I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Randomize
